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Our life coach and agony aunt Dr Pam Spurr answers your questions every fortnight. The author of many self-help guides her latest is The Emotional Eater’s Diet for anyone who heads for comfort food in times of stress or unhappiness. More about Dr Pam below.

Follow Dr Pam on twitter  @drpamspurr or her website – life, love & sex advice at your fingertips. 

Check out our columnist’s new book: THE LAWS OF SISTERHOOD – The girlfriends’ guide to successful dating and finding the one is out now:

My sexual desire has gone AWOL


Dear Dr Pam,

I’ve always found my husband sexy and we had a fantastic sex life until we had twins 18 ????????????????????????????????????????months ago. Of course there’s double the work in twins. And it didn’t worry me when I didn’t have any sexual desire for quite a few months after their birth.

Now 18 months on I wonder where in the world did my desire go? Why hasn’t it come back?

My husband would really like to get our sex life back. I would too but between juggling the twins, the household chores and trying to get fit again, I have no desire.

I’d love some tips to get it back!


Dear “Zero desire”,

I know as a parent myself how demanding parenting is – nowadays it stretches people 24/7. You and so many mums (and dads) feel this way about sexual desire. It’s like, “Where on earth has it gone?!”

But it’s not just parents who lack desire as this dilemma came up in so many of the interviews for my new guide about dating and finding love.

Right now it probably feels like a juggling act and you’re dropping the balls. But you can sort this out.

It’s crucial that I break it down into manageable “life levels” – these make it easier for you to target what’s putting the dampener on your desire.

The Parenting Level: Just because it’s 18 months into parenthood, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t re-evaluate parenting duties. You need to organise these like a military operation. Get your husband on board, sit down together and carve out how you can make parenting duties run smoother.

Call on those people who said they’d help out – the grandparents, best friends, and other parents to do baby-sitting swaps with.

The Medical/Health Level: You don’t give much detail so I don’t know if you’re on any medications that might affect desire. It’s important you ask your GP if any medications you’re on diminish desire. Many do and it’s worth trying alternatives.

imgresThe Lifestyle Choices Level: Lifestyle choices are a big culprit for drumming desire out of you. You say you’re working out, but could you balance that with a “work out” between the sheets? It’s great to keep fit but you can keep fit with an active sex-session with your husband.

Do you smoke? Do you drink excess alcohol perhaps to relieve stress? Again these affect desire.

What about the foods you’re eating? Busy mums often rely on snacks and prepared meals but it’s crucial to keep it simple – but keep it real. Having even a simple home-made meal like a jacket potato with roast chicken and leafy green veg is much better than a ready-meal.

Also consider taking a natural pleasure enhancing supplement like Lady Prelox. This contains active ingredients to potentially energise you.

The Emotional Well-being Level: It’s important you’re asked about your emotional health. Could you be mentally rundown from parenting demands? Are you overly stressed, even perhaps a little depressed? This is something you should discuss with your healthcare provider. When emotional well-being isn’t in tiptop shape, desire definitely suffers.

The Relationship Level: You and your husband will feel more in the mood for sex if you’re seeing more of each other. I can’t stress how important it is to prioritise time with each other. Drop the twins with the grandparents and go out for a lovely walk – and come back home for some cuddling-up time.

Suggest something sensual like sharing a steamy shower together. And why not make it candlelit? Kiss and caress each other – demonstrate your desire for each other in small ways.

Agree with him that if full sex doesn’t come back straight away, you’ll keep physical contact through affectionate touching going.

I hope tackling these different life levels will help you identify what you need to change in order to help boost your desire. If it doesn’t come back speak to your GP about it.

Dr Pam’s brand-new book is: THE LAWS OF SISTERHOOD – The girlfriends’ guide to successful dating and finding the one is out now:

Dr Pam is also on twitter @drpamspurr  

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